Directionless, dazed, and somewhat disoriented is what I should be saying anytime someone asks me for words that best describe me. Ever since I can remember, the one certainty I have had about my life is that I’m very lost. Going round in circles. Reaching nowhere fast. Fighting the haze quickly gave way to acceptance, and I have made peace (I think) with the seeming lack of control and direction of my existence.
While everyone’s life around me seems to be going somewhere, I’m stuck at the starting line waiting for a lightning bolt to hit my head, and activate whatever regions are still turned off. Seriously! For the longest time, I thought saying I wanted to be happy was an acceptable answer to someone asking about my goal in life.
No, wait, I still say that!
Being part of an extended family of achievers isn’t helping ONE SINGLE BIT. I have cousins reciting Shakespeare from memory when I was learning how to tie shoelaces. It would’ve helped, of course, if my folks hadn’t made it obvious that they’d rather have someone else as their child. Now I’m no expert at child rearing, but I’m pretty sure telling a 7 year old that hes unwanted is a no no.
Hence I’m like driftwood caught in the tide. Going where the tide takes me, banging me against a rock every now and then. Getting stuck, unstuck, pushed and tugged at where life sees fit. When you begin to enjoy the ride, you develop a very interesting perspective….. scary, yet interesting. This perspective lets me put on my ‘humour filter’ to look at things around me, and the results are entertaining to say the least..
So for now, I’m just learning to be at ease with the uncertainty, playing as well as I can the cards I’ve been dealt, just like a piece of driftwood caught in the tide.