The Rules of Texting

My God, I’m getting lazy in my writing! I’m not writing as often as I originally intended to. 😦

The ever informative (and occasionally dubious) Wikipedia tells me that the concept of SMS was created by a guy called Friedhelm Hillebrand somewhere in the 1980s. I can be sure he had noble intentions at heart while creating technology that made it possible to transmit small amounts of text wirelessly to get vital information across to people. How naive…. I doubt he envisioned that; as always; both genders have in the ‘Battle of the Sexes’ taken up SMS and integrated it in their arsenals, as they have all earlier forms of technology. The novice will have his heart ripped out and suffer angst at the hands of a scheming ego driven individual. I’ve learnt through trial and (painful) error and bring you a few rules about what goes on in this sort of ‘Modern Warfare’ these days so you don’t have to suffer like the rest of us.

1) You never EVER message first: You can be burning to talk to your special someone, but you never ever ever should message first. Its a big sin. You can’t be seen as weak, can you? For goodness’ sake lad! Don’t you see?! If you message her first, she’s gonna know you’re a wimp she can boss around! Let there be no conversation for days at an end, but you never message first in this eternally lasting game of ‘hold out’. If simple hi-hello conversations take days, you’re doing it right. If you make the other person scroll up thinking “What were we talking about again?”, you’re doing even better….. I have from very reliable sources come to learn that women are also given the same sort of advice in the magazines and sites they frequent. Don’t ask me how there’s gonna be a conversation if both parties don’t want to be the one messaging first.

2) Don’t be the Last One to Message: I hope you’ve realised that this whole texting business has nothing to do with love or affection, but its all a power struggle, and an ego boost. Love has disappeared ages ago, don’t be fooled by the media that would have you believe otherwise. A corollary of the 1st point, you should never message last, but as often as possible, keep the other person hanging for a reply, making him or her feel like an idiot, and assuming they think you’re busy and cool. An example would be if your partner wished you good night. You don’t reply back, completely ignoring his or her feelings. She’s not actually WAITING to hear a good night from you, is she? And if you wished her, YOU would have the last message in the conversation, and that would drain all your earthly power, wouldn’t it? Not messaging first, and not messaging last are 2 rules that make for interesting ego driven conversations.

3) Delay, or Don’t Reply at all: As I’ve told you, its all about the ego, and you need to include an aspect of delay before replying. How else is a normal conversation going to draw out longer than the Titanic? Consider the risk of replying quickly. He or she might think you don’t have a life, are clutching your phone waiting for a message and are just too eager to talk! A good rule of thumb is 30 minutes, or beat the time your partner took to reply. If you’re just burning to talk to that person, do whatever it takes to hold back. Lock yourself in your room, go for a run around your neighborhood if you have to. After all, you’re too busy and important to find time to reply, aren’t you?… You could take this up a notch and not reply at all, and if asked about it, just claim you didn’t read the message. Those 2 blue ticks on your phone are lying.

4) Match their Moves: Literally…. If she sends one liners, do not send paragraphs. If she uses 2 exclamation marks, and a particular emoticon, you do it too. If she takes an hour to reply, you take slightly longer. Get the drift?

5) Disappearing Act: This one’s for the ladies. While talking to a guy, its perfectly acceptable to just disappear in the middle of a conversation. The general format of the scenario involves making sure the guy is online, typing a message so that the guy knows you’re typing something, and go away without hitting the ‘send’ button. If it comes up the next day, just write “Oh I didn’t realise when I fell asleep :p lol”… Its ok, its perfectly acceptable. You were typing and someone shot you in the backside with a tranquilizer dart which caused you to fall asleep with your phone in your hand, and someone else probably changed your profile photo 2 hours later. Happens all the time, men understand!

6) Have an Epic Day, Everyday!!: How can I overlook the content of the messages to be sent. Remember, you have to be seen as someone who’s extraordinary. There’s nothing ‘everyday’ and ‘mundane’ for you. You have to live an epic life everyday, or lie, over-hype, and throw in a couple extra exclamation marks to make up for being ordinary. As an example, if you’re asked what you’re doing, a reply should be something on the lines of “Having the most AMAZING latte ever!! This drink is fit for the Gods!! And don’t even ASK how awesome this new place around the corner is! This place is DEFINITELY my new regular hangout!”… or something like that.

If you’re repulsed by any of the points above, congratulations for being one of the few people left on the planet who have a heart. Unfortunately, this sort of juvenile psychological warfare is very rampant, and makes people go insane every now and then. Its so surprising to me that people keep complaining about how its difficult for them to have a ‘connect’ with anyone these days, but never make the effort to BUILD a connection with anyone. We all want to sit back and let others do all the hard work.

These are just a few of the rules I’ve observed over time. Do comment below if you’ve got any additional matter that I’ve overlooked, I’m never too busy or too ‘cool’ to read your comments :p

2 thoughts on “The Rules of Texting

  1. I can’t imagine what it is like for you young folk today, so I asked my 25 year old nephew could he live without his phone. He replied nope, I would feel alone and I would not know what and where everyone is……I would feel so disconnected.
    This thought never occurred to me because I did not grow up with this texting thing. I also thought wow I am so glad we did not have camera’s at our beck and call to snap the party shots. What people put out there on the internet is what their future employers see first. Its a bit scary Desi but I guess when you grow up with it, you learn the hard way. Love the don’t call first, don’t be last challenge it all seems so messed up and ridiculous. Yet I seem to recall magazine pieces coaching us on the same sort of home phone etiquette.

    Dam it! If you like someone and they like you there should be no second guessing and you won’t care if you make a fool of yourself…and thats how you know you really like someone. Loved this post I was laughing and thinking I am happy not to have to worry about whats cool in texting and whats not. I text to get an important message across to my hubs……….”Honey we need some milk”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha! I REALLY wished you read this post… Totally agree about not second guessing initiating a conversation with someone you like, but relationships these days have become more of power struggles than a desire to share your life with someone… Everyone’s advised to think “What can he/she do to prove his/her love for me?” No one’s interested in DOING any of the proving…. I also agree that you guys had it easy with just the telephone, and the answering machine to deal with. Technology’s messed things up worldwide! It’s become so integrated, most people don’t even REALIZE they’re playing with the other person. The only way to stay honest and sane in this game is to not play it… Loved your comment, and thank you for reading this one 🙂


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