If you’re in a happy and positive frame of mind right now, skip reading this one, its gonna be ‘dear-diary’ level mopey. I don’t want to ruin your day.
I’ve hit a roadblock.. actually, STUCK at a roadblock would be more accurate. I feel shortchanged by life, God, destiny, whatever name you want to use. These are tough times indeed when I walk past a small coffee shop on my way to ‘work’, inhaling the sweet aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and realising I don’t have enough money to afford a cup… and this is supposed to be the cheapest coffee shop chain here. If you’re wondering why I wrote ‘work’ in inverted commas its because I’m not formally employed. My cousin who’s a florist has offered me a ‘pity job’ to help her out at her store. I know nothing about flowers, so the most that I can contribute is manage her emails, and entertain walk-in customers. I’ve refused to take a salary for this job though, I don’t like to have a favour branded on my forehead for the rest of my life, and this explains my recent poverty. Infact, there is nothing in this world that I own, or belongs to ME, the food that I eat and the clothes on my back are also from my parents’ money. They have been very supportive through this whole mess, although its too little too late. I like to believe that if I wasn’t terrorized so much in my younger days, I might have turned out to be a more confident personality with better coping skills.
I know talking about and focusing on poverty flies in the face of all that the ‘Law of Attraction’ teaches, but its difficult to truly believe that ‘I’m attracting money in increasing quantities from multiple sources’ when I have to depend on the occasional generosity of my cousin for a simple cup of coffee.
Life has suddenly become about where I can cut corners and spend less. Its reached a situation where I have to make excuses to one of my good friends for not being able to attend her outstation wedding, as I don’t have enough for tickets, accommodation and her wedding present. She’ll understand.
I saw a career counsellor recently to try and put things in perspective. Turns out I made a lot of wrong choices in life, and educated myself in all the things I’m not naturally inclined or interested in. The life of an average student here is decided less on the basis of what his INTERESTS are, and more on what is AVAILABLE at that time. My personality type according to the ‘Myers-Briggs Personality Type’ test (I HIGHLY recommend you do this as early in life as possible. Its available for free online) is ISFJ, and the careers I might excel naturally in are things that are now impossible at worst (Musician or Dentist) or at best, they need extensive investment of time and money to learn (Interior Decorator), and at this stage, both these resources are in short supply for another ‘experiment’ which has no guarantee of being fruitful. So I’m stuck applying for small-ish jobs in the hopes of making some money. A low-level job also means there’s less things for me to screw up, so it fits nicely with my mindset, but I have a substantial gap in my resume, automatically making me a rotten apple in everyone’s eyes. The career counsellor has recommended I undergo counselling to help me deal with my issues, but as things are right now, I can’t afford that either, even though I know I need it.
With next to no visible options, and time running out, I’m finding it tough to maintain an even keel. Escapist tricks aren’t working either. Heaven knows what else is in store for me, and I hope I have the strength to bear it